… Part of me wants to believe that ‘I suck’ and ‘I’m no good’ and ‘I deserve this’ — because it’s actually harder to believe that I’m loved, I’m accepted, and I’m on God’s mind every second of everyday. It’s so dang comfortable and familiar to stay inside the darkness of depression and self-hate, but so unpredictable to be within God’s grace. It’s so difficult to say out loud, Jesus loves me, I am infinitely adored, I have a love I don’t deserve.
All this might sound corny to you: but that’s exactly what the devil’s script does. It makes us feel like we can’t be positive, that we can’t smile, that we’re not allowed to have joy — but the truth is, God is seeking for your happiness this very second. God has a better script."
I walked the most out of the past 3 days. April came over to visit and we went to Carmel. I probably walked for over an hour and laughed the whole time. I think she broke me because I have this sharp twinge in a certain area. Hmm. But, I really enjoyed the company because being home all makes me feel unproductive, Also, all this walking has made me successful in the bathroom! Woot!!
Frustration. I don’t have Wolverine-super-healing abilities. Maybe it’s because I don’t do anything all day, but the days seems so stretched and long that it’s unbelievable that only 3 days have passed. It feels like I should be up and running by not, but I’m not.
"One Hot Cheeto, please!"
So, the second half of my day was way less dramatic than this morning. I slept, played a round of LoL, ate lunch, slept some more, and woke up to watch some Running Man.
Then, my mom came home and she wanted me to attempt showering. I thought I was going to drown throughout whole showering. Thankfully, the shower stool/chair definitely turned my whole experience around. It was super humbling to be washed by my mom. I was just scared that my gauze would get wet through the whole ordeal.
Oh and I improvised a way to get out of bed without having to use a lot of my stomach muscles (it’s really hard to get up when no one is around, especially at night). It’s a rope tied to the foot of the bed and it requires so much arm strength, but it’s so worth not having to use my abdominals.
"…we are just two robots trying to feel"
But, before the Great Shower War, I had an awesome kakaotalk with Annie 언니. I didn’t really know how to handle all these emotions roiling inside of me and I needed someone to know that I felt something today (especially that there was a flare of it which led to me crying). I don’t know why Annie언니 was the one I chose to message, but it was really encouraging and meaningful(? I’m sure that’s not the word I’m looking for or mean). I liked that she was open with what she was going through too and that we were kinda both in the same robot “paradise”.
the flaming lips - One More Robot/Sympathy 3000-21
Looking forward to knocking out with some meds and, this time, preferably not dreaming about being a marine biologist working for Robin Williams.
Anesthesia totally wore off last night and it sucked. I thought I could power through recovery without pain killers, but that’s probably a no go now.
My first walk of the day was alright. I just didn’t know what I could handle. The weather was really nice. It was super chilly and foggy. Plus, I got to wear all my comfy clothes, even if they didn’t match at all. But, I was prohibited from topping the outfit off with my Crocs. Whatever. #crocs4lyfe
I think that being more sensitive to the pain has definitely led to more frustrations about my lack of mobility. So, I cried. I just felt really 서러워. It was right before my second walk of the day. I was actually looking forward to walking in the crisp air. But, for some reason since the morning, my brother kept bugging me to walk up this huge hill. I definitely did not want to be in more pain and told him no. I’ve been telling him no all day.
Eventually, I called my mom and I burst into tears. It was so stupid. I rarely cry and crying about this felt even stupider.
So, I left the house and power walked around the neighborhood for 10 minutes. Then, I came back home.
My routine feels very grandma-ish. Or is it more like a baby?
I pee and sleep like clockwork. I go on strolls around the neighborhood. I have a buttload of pills to take. I have limited mobility.
Things I might do:
- read Leviticus
- read Ender’s game
- name the abstract elephant pillow (i’m taking suggestions)
- go on another walk
We’ll see how the rest of the day goes.